Mindfully Moody | Highest Self, Manifestation, Dating Advice & Feminine Energy

145: Detached Dating: How to Stop Being SO Attached in Dating

• Hannah Andersen and Sara Swanson

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Can releasing your attachment to someone actually lead to healthier relationships? Get ready for a thought-provoking journey into dating with detachment and discover how letting go of expectations can transform your connections. We’re thrilled to share some exciting updates, including the launch of our YouTube channel, where you can now watch all our episodes. Plus, you can text us anonymously with your stories or questions, making this a truly interactive experience. Oh, and we can't resist a little chat about our current TV obsession, "Tell Me Lies" on Hulu, which offers a perfect lens into the chaotic world of toxic relationships.

Understanding the balance between healthy detachment and over-attachment is key, and we’re here to guide you through this delicate dance. We'll explore how being overly invested in someone you like can tip the scales and how maintaining a sense of self-worth is crucial in dating. Through exploring our internal narratives and questioning if attachment is ever beneficial, we uncover why even in committed relationships, a pinch of detachment can be the secret ingredient to success.

Are you ready to reclaim your energy and break free from limiting thoughts? We're introducing our signature Freedom Formula, a 12-page workbook designed to help you align with your true self and step into a life of freedom and abundance. Download it from the show notes and start your path to total alignment. We’re immensely grateful for your support and can’t wait to continue this journey with you next week.

Chapters:
00:00 Intro, this is for you if you are tired of getting attached in dating
00:50 Updates on the podcast
01:30 Tell me Lies analogy for attached dating
05:30: Dating with Detachment: What is it?
07:50: What does it look like to be attached in dating?
09:21: Dating Detached vs Attached Dating
11:40: Should you ever be attached in dating?
13:35: When you feel emotionally connected to someone in dating
15:47: Why attached dating becomes obsessive
18:54: Question the reality of the connection
19:56: How can you detach in dating
20:10: Tools for detachment in dating

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sara:

Hey girls, okay, this episode is for you. If you are a single girl who gets a little bit too attached, a little bit too obsessed when you are dating someone new, maybe you are going on a few dates with someone and you just cannot stop thinking about them. You cannot get it out of your head and it literally takes over your life. You know what we're talking about. Okay, we've been through this, you've been through this. So if this is you and you want to release detachment of relationships so that you can invite in more healthy, abundant relationships, keep listening.

hannah:

What's up babes? Welcome back to Mindfully Moody. We are so happy to have you here on another episode and before we get into the tea of this episode, I want to update you guys on a couple of things. Number one we are live on YouTube. We are posting our videos, every single video that we are recording on YouTube. So you can go ahead and find the link to this podcast in the show notes and go and subscribe to our YouTube channel. It's fun to watch us and our expressions and how we're interacting, because we're always using our hands, and if you want a little more interaction, go watch us on YouTube.

hannah:

Also, we have a new feature called Text Us. You can drop in the show notes and let us know. Maybe you have stories about being attached in relationships or maybe you have questions you want us to answer on the podcast or anything that you just want to share with us or something that resonates with the episode. You can literally send us a text message. We don't see the number, so you don't have to like worry about like us knowing who you are. It is anonymous, but you can send us a text, so we're excited about that and you can find that in the show notes. And then also, if you are not following us on Apple or Spotify, be sure to go and subscribe so you get updates every single time we release an episode.

hannah:

We did move our episode release dates to Wednesdays now, so you can expect new episodes every single Wednesday at 9 am. So just a couple little notes there. And we also haven't done any updates lately and Sarah and I haven't chatted in a minute, so I feel like we just need to do a little kiki real quick before we hop into this episode. What's up? What's?

sara:

going down. Yes, I know it's been a while since we've recorded because I have some life updates going on. Stay tuned A couple of weeks for a solo episode where I will talk through what's going on with me, but I'm good. I'm feeling good. I wanted to gab about my obsession right now, which is Tell Me Lies on Hulu, and I feel like this dating episode is a perfect place to do it, because this show why does this show have me in a chokehold like why does this show make me so emotional? Talk about attachment.

hannah:

You feel this lucy can't let him go. Oh my gosh, that part. When he went to went to her dorm room and he's like, wow, this is so fucking embarrassing.

sara:

Like literally my heart stopped.

hannah:

My heart stopped in that moment.

sara:

Oh, she was there.

hannah:

She was like I'm back baby.

sara:

She was like, say, less baby, I'm here. Yeah, it's just so triggering to watch all of these relationships play out. And then the fact that they're fast forwarding and, like you know that, like, literally, lucy's best play out. And then the fact that they're fast forwarding and like you know that, like literally, lucy's best friend is ending up with Steven, like it's just, like it's too much, like Pippa, and why am I forgetting her name, diana? I'm so confused.

hannah:

What the hell is going on there? Like I don't get it. The flashbacks confuse me because I'm like okay, what time are we in? Like it's like 2008. I'm like is this present? So Diana and Pippa end up being together Dating.

sara:

Yes, what? Yes, they're literally dating each other. Like, how does that happen? Like Lucy telling Diana about the car crash, like why does she not believe her? Is she lying about her LSAT score?

hannah:

I think she is Okay, I'm really getting into it, but okay, no, I feel like Diana is Okay, we're really getting into it, but okay, no, I feel like Diana is like being weird, like it's like she's like playing the relationship, like there's something that she's doing and I don't know what, Like why she's like faking that. She like likes Steven or something.

sara:

I don't know. Yes, for some odd reason, I think she realizes how dangerous he is and she's like trying to like get out of the relationship in the best way possible. You know what I mean. But yeah, it's toxic. But it is just, it's toxic. It's just such an example of, I mean, being young and crazy and out of control. But just also the toxicity and the places that men can take women in relationships and the places that men can take women in relationships.

hannah:

And these women and like their value, like their value is so driven on validation from men and it's like they're looking like Lucy, like looking at men for like validation that she's enough kind of thing.

sara:

Yeah, oh, you haven't watched the new episode and there is. Oh, I can't wait. Lucy, lucy girl, she still ain't over it. It's like move on, move on. The picture. Perfect example of attachment.

hannah:

All right, well, without further ado, let's get into this episode and chat about dating with detachment. So let's start and talk about what is dating with detachment in the first place.

sara:

Oh yeah, this is such a tough one because I don't know if I ever actually did this in my dating life. She was attached as fuck. But let's talk about what that is. I feel like I'm sure there's a lot of definitions for this out in the world, but I feel that dating with detachment is dating without placing expectations onto the situation, not necessarily onto someone else, because I think that we can have standards and expectations of how we're treated, but expectations and control of how the situation is going to go. The dating situation is going to go. So I think know situation is going to go.

sara:

So I think it's also a very feminine experience, dating with detachment being really just able to surrender to the experience without saying, okay, you know, I want him to act this way, or, if he doesn't act this way, then I'm going to act this way and I'm going to go into, like this game playing and this toxic cycle tell me lies, vibes. So I think it's yeah, it's just like being in a more of a sovereign but still open place when it comes to dating. What do you think?

hannah:

Like I'm thinking about what the opposite of detachment is and that's attachment. So if you're dating somebody, you're feeling very attached, like you can literally think about like having like a bottle in your hand and like gripping on, and so I feel like dating with detachment is letting go and really feels like an energy thing for me. Like when you are dating, being attached, it's like your energy is going surrounding this person. Like everything you do you're thinking about this person, every move that you're making, you're thinking how that you know is going to affect the situation, the way you show up, like you're really considering that person and like almost not in a good way, like an obsessive way.

hannah:

And I feel like dating detached is kind of just like staying in your own energetic field, like holding your own energy, not allowing that like leak to go towards somebody else and like consume you. I think a lot of people get like that when they're in relationships like, or when they're dating someone, it's like all of their energy is going towards them, thinking about when they're going to text them next, when they're going to see them next, when, like, how they feel about them and like making up all of these stories. So I think, like dating detached is just like being in your own energetic frame and not needing validation from external sources. Whether that is dating or whatever, whether that is friendships, right Knowing your value, knowing your worth, knowing that you're going to be okay no matter what happens with the situation, because you're good on your own energetic experience, because that is really so much what it is.

sara:

When you become so attached to someone, it's your energy is clinging into their energetic field, even if it's not reciprocated, your energy is trying to almost magnetize in a negative way into their field so that they like, hopefully, click on with you. You know which may or may not happen.

hannah:

It's so interesting I was just talking to my friends about this Like when you are dating someone and you really like someone, it's just easier to get attached because you're like oh, I really want this to work out. But then, when you're dating someone who you don't really like, oh, I really want this to work out. But then when you're dating someone who you don't really like like for in my case, when I'm dating people who I'm like, eh, like whatever, I'll go on another date with them, but like I don't know, I don't I don't necessarily feel like super interested, but I'm like open, like I have zero detachment, like I'm like I don't care when I text them If they didn't follow up on a date. I'm like I don't really care. Like it's like, how do you apply that same energy to someone who you're not really that into, to someone who you are into? Because typically, when you're dating someone and you're like obviously detached, they're always wanting more of you.

hannah:

It's like so interesting, yeah Right, because you're so detached, like I don't care if this works out or not, because I'm not really that interested in you, but like it's like. Why is that Like? Why is it so easy to be not attached to people who Well, because you don't Because you're not into them.

hannah:

You don't like them.

sara:

Why would you? Yeah, it's like-.

hannah:

Like if yeah, I'm just trying to think of like the like, how can you apply that energy that you give to someone that you're not so into to someone that you are into and still be intentional but not put so much pressure, you know, and so much like energy towards it?

sara:

I think it's just all such an internal experience. You know, it's all about the internal world that we create for ourselves, and that internal world can either take you into significant attachment, where you are, you know, creating stories, and all of a sudden you're thinking about. You know, oh well, when this person proposes to me or when we have kids together, or could even be not that serious. You know, once he's when this person proposes to me or when we have kids together, or could even be not that serious. You know once he's my boyfriend and this is going to happen. Or could also be like he's seeing someone else and I'm not good enough for him. Like whatever narrative you're spinning in your head, you can also have a narrative in your head for being detached. So it's like what narrative are you creating for yourself? What reality are you perpetuating?

hannah:

Do you think that at any point, you should become attached to somebody? Because I feel like you should right. If you're in a relationship with somebody that's when it's mutual, when it's mutual, when there is commitment involved, then maybe it's okay to be attached. It's interesting to think about.

sara:

I still, yeah, it is because I still feel like, even if you do have commitment, you know, let's say that you're dating someone for three months and it's going really well and you both really like each other, and now you're deciding okay, it's, you know, a month, four or five, we're going to like really get serious into a relationship and I'm crazy about this person and vice versa, and now I'm super attached, but you still haven't really been with the person that long. You don't truly know them. Yeah, know them, like you would when you've been with someone for years. You know. So I don't know. I mean, I think at some point, getting attached to someone is inevitable, right, but I think it's absolutely possible to when you're dating, especially because we're talking about dating with detachment, it's like that, to me, is danger territory.

sara:

Yes, like if you are getting too attached. When you are dating someone and it is, you are not in a serious relationship yet there's not mutual commitment with the person, and then you're just I mean you're setting yourself up for like heartbreak, you know.

hannah:

Totally. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. That's what I'm thinking too. It's like I don't know if it's necessarily called attached, you know. But I agree, when you're dating, like you know, just dating, getting to know someone, remained attached. But if there is further commitment, right, like that person becomes your boyfriend, yeah, it's inevitable to be attached. Your emotions are going to be tied to this person, because now you are partners and your lives are mending together and you're building a life together and all of these things. So, like I don't know if that's necessarily like attachment, yeah, it could be. I mean maybe a healthy attachment. Of course, when you're in that phase I feel like there's different like things to consider, like boundaries and all of these things in relationships. But yeah, I feel like the goal is to stay detached until you have some level of commitment to somebody.

sara:

Yeah, I mean, I just think about you know younger version of myself, when I would be dating someone and I would be so attached to what the potential outcomes of the relationship we're going to be are, super like attached to their behavior or the way that they were showing up, or, oh my gosh, like this happened and now I'm just going to spend the next six days with it completely taking over my life. Yep, literally. It is going to seep into every single area of my life Work, friendships, my personal time. When I wake up, I'm thinking about it. When I go to bed, I'm thinking about it. When I'm in the bathroom, I'm thinking about it. When I'm walking to the elevator, I'm thinking about it. When I go to bed, I'm thinking about it. When I'm in the bathroom, I'm thinking about it. When I'm, you know, walking to the elevator, I'm thinking about it. It's consuming. Like that feeling is never good, like there's not a positive experience that comes along with that feeling, but sometimes it tricks you into being that that is a positive experience.

hannah:

Right, right, right. You know we should talk about more of these things. What are some signs that people might be getting too attached? And the first thing that just came to mind when you were talking about that I had this friend a few years ago who was so attached in dating and I remember that she would like go like she would be like dating a guy or like whatever dating multiple guys and like she would go on her Instagram story and be like, oh my God, he viewed my story, like he viewed my story and like she would like tell everyone like he viewed my story, like I'm like girl, you are so attached to this person for validation, and not to like call this person out, like I have these moments, too, where I'm feeling like super, you know, attached in different aspects and, yeah, that resonates too of like waiting for somebody to call or thinking about if they're going to text, or like just it's such an energy leak for no good reason, yeah. Or like just it's such an energy leak for no good reason, yeah.

sara:

I think the biggest sign skirt back up you are way too attached to this person is when you have literally weaved an entire future with them in your head that is not being reciprocated, or is just this future dream. You're essentially putting this princess fairy tale dream onto this person who is not actually giving you the steps towards that dream, or it's too early on for you to know if they're misleading you or not. So if you are early on I mean I definitely have friends who do this. You know who I'm thinking about I would do this again and again and again because this is a pattern. This is definitely a pattern Just because you do it with with one person.

sara:

Like you can keep going and doing this with with many people, but this just dreaming, like weaving this dream life together because you're so attached, you need it to work out with this person You've. You actually create your identity and your future with this person. You actually create your identity and your future with this person that you really are not in a true relationship with yet, like if you find yourself doing that either to the person you know directly, which might scare the shit out of them, or just to yourself, to your friends, like. Whatever that experience is like, I think that you are in too deep.

hannah:

Yeah, if you're giving girlfriend energy, wifey energy on no commitment, I feel like that is a sign. It's like if you're you know whatever just starting to date somebody, you're talking all the time, you're going over to his house like doing his laundry, going running him stuff over when he hasn't committed to you, like you're probably a little bit attached to him because you're giving so much of yourself and your energy to this person who probably doesn't even actually deserve it at this moment in time. I think also another good thing is to think about, to challenge the perception of the connection. Right, because we're so in our head like, oh my God, this person called me. Like we start to dream up this life with them, we start to see the possibilities.

hannah:

But is that just a perception of the relationship that you're desiring to have, that you're hoping that this is going to work out, or is that the actual reality of the connection that you have, really taking a look and saying what is this person doing to show up for me? How is this person being intentional in dating me? Do they actually see something long-term with me? I think really getting very clear on what is the reality of the connection, not what I learned from the Disney movie, not what I've been literally manifesting in my journal for fucking years, like what is this person actually bringing to my life and does that deserve the energy that I'm giving? Right, because if you're just knowing somebody, there's no point to give all your energy to them, because do they actually deserve that right now in the first place? Like it's like this, like level of, like protecting yourself and protecting your energy too, completely agree.

sara:

So how can you detach?

hannah:

One. I think it is reclaiming your own energy, Like having this sense of awareness of where your energy is being leaked in dating is very, very important. Like clocking it. Like okay, I'm sitting here on my phone, like what am I thinking? Okay, I have this awareness that I'm wanting this person to text me. Or I'm going to bed and I'm thinking about this person. Or I'm out on a Friday night and I'm hoping to run into this person.

hannah:

Like, really start to clock your energy and how much you're thinking about this person that you're dating. Because I think the awareness is key. We waste so much time thinking about other people, especially in dating, when we could be using our precious time to focus on ourselves, to bring that value back into us, to focus on our business, our health, like all of these amazing things that we've already built in our life. Yet we find ourselves giving our energy away to something that's not even a thing yet in our life way to something that's not even a thing yet in our life. So I think, doing a general audit on your thoughts and your emotions and if they are going to somebody, if you're constantly thinking about somebody, how can you create that awareness and start to bring that energy back and pour it into your own life rather than pour it into somebody else's.

sara:

Absolutely, and I know that this is so challenging. When you're already in that rabbit hole of the attachment, it is really hard to pull yourself out. I would say this is something that we always talk about If you don't know why you get so attached to something in the first place, why you have those attachment wounds, how can you ever heal them? Because, like I was saying before, this is typically a pattern for people. This isn't like oh, I got super attached to one person, but that's really atypical for me and I usually don't fall that fast or don't get into the storytelling mode so fast. So where is that attachment wound from?

sara:

For a lot of people it's from childhood. It could be from childhood. It could be from a past relationship, some relationship where there was severe attachment that was broken, or you were in a relationship that you never got the type of reassurance, the type of love quote unquote that you feel like you're now getting from other people. So you're trying to attach on to. That feeling also likely goes back to childhood. But really, doing the work and sitting with yourself, I feel like this is such a thing that I'm seeing in the feminine collective right now of women reclaiming themselves, like you're saying and also diving deeper into, why am I doing this in the first place and how can I heal this on a long-term basis, so that I don't keep repeating this pattern continuously? Yep.

hannah:

Yep, and with that, too, I think it's also like understanding what you're trying to get out of that situation of, like that desiring of someone to text you, or like desiring someone to ask you on a date or to call you or to want to spend time with you. Like, when you have that longing, that attachment to the outcome, ask yourself, what are you seeking right now? Because a lot of times, when it comes back to wounds of the childhood, right, you're like, okay, I'm noticing that I'm longing for this person to reach out. Okay, I'm, I'm realizing, actually I'm just looking for validation, like I just want someone to give me some energy and attention and let me know that I'm good enough. And so I think it's getting crystal clear on, like, what it is that you're looking for from that person to bring into your life and to give you and to make you feel.

hannah:

And then it's about pouring that right back in your cup and saying, okay, if I'm looking for validation from somebody, how can I validate myself? And look at all the incredible things that I've built in my life, right, like, oh my gosh, I have amazing friendships, these people who love me and see the light in myself, or see the light in me and love to be around me. Call a friend, go exercise, like get in your body, like, just like get into that appreciation and like really build yourself up, because we so want it from other people. But sometimes, when we want it from other people, that validation that means that we needed the most ourselves first. So I really challenge people to think about, like, if you're having that desire for somebody, having that attachment, ask yourself what you're looking to get from them and then give that to yourself.

sara:

The best. When we're searching for something externally, it's often because it's what we need to give ourselves internally, and sometimes it feels like no, no, no, no, I could never give myself the love that a relationship could give me, and X, y and Z but those are also just stories that you're telling yourself. Right, you absolutely can fill yourself with such love that is fulfilling and uplifting and creates that sense of safety and security in yourself, which is ultimately what you are desiring to get from being attached to someone is safety, security, that form of comfort that you don't feel when you're alone. So, prioritizing that for yourself, how can you make yourself feel safe, comfortable, secure in your own life, right?

hannah:

now Beautiful. Go get detached, reclaim your energy. If you guys want some support with this, we have our signature free resource, the Freedom Formula, where you can break free from your mind, get into total alignment and step into the freedom that you desire in your life. You guys can go download this free 12-page workbook down below in the show notes and really start to get into this alignment, reclaim your energy and remember who you are, so you no longer need validation from other people. I love this episode. Thank you, guys, so much for listening. Thank you, we will see you next week. Have a beautiful time.

People on this episode

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Hannah Andersen

Host
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Sara Swanson

Host